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Sunday, May 12, 2013

HOTMAIL IS DEAD, BUT WE'VE STILL GOT HOT MALES (AS IN GIFS OF HOT GUYS)


Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love, Shirtless

Sorry, grandparents. Hotmail is no more. It's being ransacked and transferred over to the new Outlook.com. But what shall we do? The platform that served up our first ever email addresses is officially a thing of the past? It's going to live on in the form of its punny friend: hot male(s). 
Hot Male (haut-mayle): Any man whose physical perfection gives us the giggles. 
You know what? I don't think you've quite got it yet. Don't worry. We've got you.
Hot males generally look like this:
And say things like this:
And do things like this:
And definitely know this:
Sometimes they're sports stars (on TV):
And they're really good at hitting the showers:
Have we learned enough about hot males yet? Let's ask Fassy: 
Nope? Okay! Sometimes they walk like this:
And giggle disarmingly like this:
And when they're spent, they raise their eyebrows like this:
So in summary, see ya later, Hotmail!

REESE WITHERSPOON IS A PREGNANT LAWYER, OR SO ALCOHOL MAKES HER THINK


Reese Witherspoon, Good Morning America
Ida Mae Astute/ABC

Unless you're a devout Mormon or a teenager with a cop for a dad, you've probably flirted with the perils of alcohol consumption at one point or another. Although masquerading as an innocuous compliment to your steak dinner, the various ales and hard liquors of our fair world work some devilish magic on the minds of those who dare to imbibe. One too many sips, and you'll be spouting embellishments about your monetary intake, exaggerations of your athletic prowess, or sometimes — like in the case of one Reese Witherspoon — flat out lies about the occupancy of your uterus.
You'll recall the Legally Blonde actress' recent kerfuffle with an Atlanta police officer, who arrested her husband Jim Toth for driving under the influence on Apr. 19. While a sober Witherspoon might have handled the ordeal with grace and maturity, she allowed the spirits of the vineyard to play Cyrano during this tumultuous episode, spouting completely false stories to get her and Toth off the hook. "I have no idea what I was saying that night. I saw him arresting my husband and I literally panicked," the actress told Good Morning America on Thursday. "I said all kinds of crazy things. I told him I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant! I said crazy things."
And while the officer in question might not have fallen victim to the ruse, Witherspoon managed to trick herself into believing the tall tales of the sauce. "I've played a lawyer so many times in movies, I think I am a lawyer. And clearly, I'm not a lawyer. So, I learned a lot." I hear it was a drunken escapade through Georgia that got Johnny Depp to snap out of thinking he was Jack Sparrow, too.
Moreover, Witherspoon used her GMA appearance to express her apologies for and remorse over the ordeal, remarking that "the hardest part about it [is] having to tell our kids." And that's just the real kids she's talking about — what about all the imaginary unborn ones she's going to have to explain this to?

ARE THESE 2013 KENTUCKY DERBY HORSES OR CRAZY CELEBRITY BABY NAMES?


Horse, Baby
Getty Images

You pick up the newspaper (or iPad version of the Times because we live in the future now) the day after the Kentucky Derby and read the name of the winner. More often than not, it sounds like something a royally wasted guy in a nightclub might yell to his friends. "Mine That Bird! Thunder Gulch!" he might wail as he trips over his own knock-off Armani loafers. Perhaps, in the cab on the way home, he yelps "Gato Del Sol! Dust Commander!"
But, when you think about it, who's to say whether those names belong to prize-winning steeds or the latest offspring of Hollywood's starry-eyed (and sometimes loopy) elite? I mean, we're all fawning over a baby who goes by Blue Ivy Carter these days. How different could these names be? Not very, it turns out.
In anticipation of Saturday's most exciting two minutes in sports, we've decided to test your skills. Which of the names below are horses and which ones are celebrity babies? (Answers below. You're going to need them.)
And we're off!
1. Rainbow Aurora
2. Golden Soul
3. Governor Charlie
4. Bluebell Madonna
5. Indian August
6. Falling Sky
7. Black Onyx
8. Seven Sirius
9. Diva Thin Muffin
10. Charming Kitten
Let's take a quick break of disbelief before continuing on to the back 10.
11. Buddy Bear
12. Midnight Lucky
13. Alabama Gypsy Rose
14. Free
15. Orb
16. Tu Morrow
17. Code West
18. Palace Malice
19. Moxie Crimefighter
20. Normandy Invasion
Feeling a little confused?
It's okay. I made this list and I can't even remember who's who.
Or maybe, you think you've got it all sorted out and you're wagging your head at the rest of us mouth-breathing simpletons. Alright, smartypants, compare your responses to the answers below and see how you fared. 
ANSWERS:
1. Rainbow Aurora — CELEB KID (daughter of Holly Madison)
2. Golden Soul — HORSE
3. Governor Charlie — HORSE
4. Bluebell Madonna — CELEB KID (daughter of Spice Girl Geri Haliwell)
5. Indian August – CELEB KID (daughter of Casey Affleck)
6. Falling Sky — HORSE
7. Black Onyx – HORSE
8. Seven Sirius — CELEB KID (son of Erykah Badu and Andre 3000)
9. Diva Thin Muffin — CELEB KID (daughter of Frank Zappa)
10. Charming Kitten —  HORSE
11. Buddy Bear — CELEB KID (son of celeb chef Jamie Oliver)
12. Midnight Lucky — HORSE
13. Alabama Gypsy Rose — CELEB KID (daughter of Drea De Matteo)
14. Free — CELEB KID (daughter of Barbara Hershey and David Carradine)
15. Orb — HORSE
16. Tu Morrow — CELEB KID (daughter of actor Rob Morrow)
17. Code West — HORSE (even if it sounds like Kanye West's future offspring)
18. Palace Malice — HORSE
19. Moxie Crimefighter — CELEB KID (daughter of comedian Penn Jillete, from Penn and Teller)
20. Normandy Invasion — HORSE
Bonus Points if you knew that Mine That Bird, Thunder Gulch, Gato Del Sol, and Dust Commander were derby winners from 2009, 1995, 1982, And 1970.
How'd you do?

5 REASONS WHY ALEC BALDWIN'S DAUGHTER IRELAND IS YOUR NEW ROLE MODEL


Alec Baldwin and Ireland Baldwin
Jackson Lee/Splash News

People are terrible. Somehow, this gorgeous young lady, who just so happens to be the offspring of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, has endured harsh criticisms about her weight. Ireland Baldwin, age 18, was recently signed as a model and has already started putting her startlingly good looks to use and, apparently, brought the worst out of a few horrible people. But Ms. Baldwin isn't about to stand for it, as she explains in an open letter posted on her Tumblr. 
Not only are her comments incredibly heartfelt and touching, she seems to be a pretty smart cookie. Baldwin doesn't come back at her detractors with fire or Alec Baldwin-esque rage. She's clear, straightforward, thoughtful, and completely on the money. This is the sort of woman girls should look up to.
Reason 1: She gets it. She really gets it. "Of course I get those comments about how I am too fat to model, how I am not model material, how I am an unattractive girl, how I am too tall, etc. I understand. I don’t look as glamourous as Rosie Huntington Whitely when leaving the gym. I’m actually really sweaty. Like really sweaty. I understand that I am not a size .008. What I don’t fully understand, is what is the good in commenting on a photo of a 17 year old girl and calling her fat, ugly, etc? Is that helping you in some way? I’m confused."
Exactly. We're confused too, what exactly do people get out of tweeting or commenting or communicating by carrier pigeon that they believe anyone is "too fat" for his or her job? Spoiler alert: Baldwin is still going to be a model whether or not you tweet something nasty about it.
Reason 2: She knows real beauty is everywhere. "If you don’t have a complimentary thing to say about someone, keep it to yourself. I am not just talking about comments on photos of myself. I see hateful comments everywhere. It’s bad energy being put out there! Personally, I try to see the beauty in everyone. It’s there. Every girl out there has a beautiful feature. I even see the beauty in the people who send me hateful replies!"
Way to go, girl. Kill those hateful folks with kindness. And while I wish the pleas of a celebrity's model daughter were enough to inspire the commenters of the world to take a chill pill, alas, it's just a dream. If only society could be what Ms. Baldwin willed it to be.
Reason 3: You can't judge a teen by her parents. In fact, why are we judging teens at this tough stage anyway?"I also get compared to my Mom quite a bit and this is where I bridge into the point of this whole post. I AM NOT MY PARENTS. My mom is one of the most beautiful woman in the world. She is 5’9, I am 6’2. She is petite and fragile, and I am fit and…. more to love tehe. I have a booty, she has a thigh gap. As she emerged from her teen years, she developed an angular face and striking cheekbones. I am still a teen making my way out of my awkward phase. I am still trying to figure this whole thing out."
Not only is Baldwin giving us the immediate "I'm not my mother" treatment, but she's getting into deeper territory: teen girls judging other teen girls before they've had the chance to mature into the women they are meant to be. Baldwin calls herself "more to love" and embraces the fact that she's got a "booty," proving that despite her young age, she's got the ability to accept and love her own shape. But she takes it a step further: as a teen, judgment is useless. The teen years are when girls are still figuring themselves and their bodies out. What good does it do to comment on that process wtih such negativity? 
Reason 4: She's forgiven her dad, why can't everyone else?
"Just like almost all of you, my Dad has made some mistakes in the past. He has spoken out of place, he has let his temper get the best of him, and he has reacted towards things in ways he shouldn’t have. I get hateful replies and threats regarding mistakes of my Dad’s past. This isn’t fair. I had nothing to do with anything that happened back then, so I don’t fully understand why I am being targeted."
Somehow, the anger over Alec Baldwin's infamous voicemail in which he called Ireland a "pig" has transferred from the father to his innocent daughter. But Ireland's not angry. She's not calling anyone names. She calmly tells us that this is a personal moment in her past and that it has nothing to do with her or who she is as a young adult.
Reason 5: She's independent, ambitious, and incredibly self-aware.
"I am not seeking fame by association. I do not want to be simply know as a model. I am proud to be my parent’s [sic] daughter, but I don’t want to forever be known as 'that rude thoughtless little pig' or 'Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s kid.' I have passions and interests of my own that I want to soon give life to. I want to be known for helping others and being a healthy role model. That is what matters most to me overall. Before sending hateful replies and emails, consider all of this. Talk to me! I am friendly. I do not think I am better than anyone."
Are we sure this girl is really an 18-year-old daughter of two famous celebrities? She's so grounded and so aware of how the world around her works. She's not afraid of being the girl who received the "thoughtless little pig" voicemail. That's a part of her past, and it's real. But now, she wants to be her own woman, and she wants to be a positive influence on the parts of the world she touches. 
This is what a young lady should be like. I'm so delighted by Baldwin, I'm not even going to harp on the handful of grammatical errors she made. She is still a teenager, after all. 

CHRIS KELLY, HALF OF 90S RAP DUO KRISS KROSS, DEAD AT 34 — UPDATE


Kris Kross, Daddy Mack, Chris Smith, Mack Daddy, Chris Kelly
Acey Harper/Getty Images

UPDATE: According to Cpl. Kay Lester of the Fulton County police, Kelly's death "may have been a possible drug overdose," Fox News reports. Kelly's mother, Donna Kelly Pratt, has released the following statement in regards to her son's death (via Buzzfeed):
"It is with deep sadness that we announce that our beloved Chris Kelly has passed away on May 1. To millions of fans worldwide, he was the trendsetting, backwards pants-wearing one-half of Kris Kross who loved making music. But to us, he was just Chris — the kind, generous and fun-loving life of the party. Though he was only with us a short time, we feel blessed to have been able to share some incredible moments with him. His legacy will live on through his music, and we will forever love him."
EARLIER: Chris Kelly, one half of the popular 90s rap duo Kriss Kross, has passed away. He was 34 years old. Hollywood.com confirmed the news with the Fulton County Medical Examiner's office, but an official comment was unavailable.
According to a report from the Associated Press, Kelly was reportedly pronounced dead on the south campus of the Atlanta Medical Center at 5PM EST on Wednesday after being found unresponsive at his home. No further details were provided.
Kelly performed in the popular group alongside his friend Chris Smithas a young child in the early 90s, even scoring a chart-topping hit, "Jump" from their 1992 debut album "Totally Krossed Out." Kelly was more commonly known as Mac Daddy, while Smith was Daddy Mac. The two were discovered by popular producer/artist Jermaine Dupri at a shopping mall in the group's hometown of Atlanta, Georgia. In their short career, the men (who were young children at the time) performed with Michael Jackson, and were featured in the music videos of popular groups Run D.M.C and TLC. The pair recently reunited for the So So Def (the record label started by Dupri) 20th Anniversary concert earlier in 2013.
Developing...

DAVID TUTERA AFFIRMS HE'S NOT A SEX ADDICT, CALLS HUSBAND A 'DESPERATE INDIVIDUAL'


David Tutera
Nikki Nelson / WENN

It is an upsetting ordeal when loving unions descend to contentious battles, when spouses devolve to enemies. After a 10-year relationship, it seems that this is what has become of David Tutera and his domestic partner Ryan Jurica. Following Wednesday's announcement of their separation, Jurica unleashed accusations of sex addiction toward the My Fair Wedding host, stirring the bile of the highly publicized rhetoric between the two parties. As a result, Tutera has released a response to these claims, tossing a few coarse words back in the other direction:
"The allegations against me are baseless and untrue and I will fight vigorously to defend my reputation in the court of law as well as the court of public opinion. I believe them to be fabrications of a desperate individual in order to gain a legal advantage in our separation. I am saddened by these developments; I am angered by the lies; and I am committed to moving beyond this painful moment to focus on my professional commitments and the upcoming birth of my children."
A sorry state of affairs, and hopefully one that can wrap up with civility. Unfortunately, due to the custody battle in which the men are entrenched over their unborn children, we anticipate a bit more fire and brimstone in the couple's future.

WHAT DOES KANYE WEST'S MYSTERIOUS 'JUNE EIGHTEEN' TWEET MEAN?


Kanye West
Venturelli/WireImage

Whatever big plans you have for the upcoming months — moving to a new apartment, taking a trip to the Netherlands, disregarding societal customs at Bonaroo — cancel 'em. You'll need to free up your schedule, because the horizon promises what very well might be the most important thing to ever happen. After all, this sort of gravity must be assumed in conjunction with the cryptic messages of a prophetic voice like Kanye West, an icon whose grandeur can never be overstated. In the latest demonstration of our culture's appropriately aligned values, West has earned more than 15,000 retweets for a message he posted Thursday morning: "June Eighteen."

Stirring. Provocative. Inspirational. We wonder, we hope, we theorize. While we await with bated breath the answer to this existential question, we revel in the mystery, chauffeuring a few possibilities through our synapses on what exactly might be going down this coming June 18th...
A new album from WestThe first thought, and a likely possibility, is that West will release new tunes on this day. It's been more than two years since his last studio release, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and it's about time he graced his public with another.
A new concert tourIf not an album, then maybe a string of performances, set to kick off on the 18th of June?
The due date of his Kardashian offspringWe first learned of Kim Kardashian's pregnancy back in December of 2012. Assuming that she kept the news under wraps for a couple of months, June 18 is a feasible date for the expected birth.
The revival of the Dr. Donda West FoundationKanye's charity, which fought against dropout and illiteracy rates for American students, ceased operations in 2011. Maybe the music artist is kicking back up with his philanthropic efforts by reopening the institution, named for his late mother. 
Waterloo DayAmong West's most well documented passions is his love for British history. Every year, the United Kingdom commemorates the Battle of Waterloo on June 18, and will perhaps this time be joined by a reverent Kanye.
The birthday of Hollywood.com Photo Director Tiffanie GrahamLittle known fact: Kanye and Tiffanie are quite close. He's probably planning a surprise party, hence the nebulous message. Don't tell her.
What are your theories?

PAYING TRIBUTE TO CHRIS KELLY WITH THE 5 BEST KRIS KROSS MUSIC VIDEOS


Kris Kross, Daddy Mack, Chris Smith, Mack Daddy, Chris Kelly
Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

The tragic passing of Chris Kelly, one half of the '90s hip-hop duo Kris Kross, is bound to weigh on the hearts of his fans. Just a glance at the statement released by Kelly's performing partner and friend Chris Smith, via E!, is enough to conjure up a steady flow of tears:
"Chris Kelly was my Best Friend. He was like a brother. I love him and will miss him dearly. Our friendship began as little boys in first grade. We grew up together. It was a blessing to achieve the success, travel the world and entertain Kris Kross fans all around the world with my best friend. It is what we wanted to do and what brought us happiness. I will always cherish the memories of the C-Connection."
But what's just as important as our sensitivity to the death of a beloved artist is our celebration of his life and work. The 1990s had legions of fans entertained by Kris Kross' upbeat, wholesome, good-natured songs — cheerful hits about bus rides to school and heavier numbers about the dangers of crime and violence. The young duo's career gave us a handful of memorable entries, and we've rounded up some of our favorites in honor of "Mac Daddy" Kelly and his work with friend and fellow artist, "Daddy Mac" Smith:
"Jump"
"I Missed the Bus"
"Warm It Up"
"Live and Die for Hip Hop"
"It's a Shame"